So, blog, I think we got off on the wrong foot. I’ve neglected you, I’ll admit, but back when you and I were steadies (not you, per se, but this personal narrative intra-self-indulgent writing) I spent more time cataloguing my world than I did enjoying it. I’m 23 years old, and I have to live my life.
It tends to be the same thing that drives me back into your arms, and I say the same things every time. “Blah blah blah heartbreak. Some girl lied to me, and I don’t like it. I’m done with women. I quit.” However, most of these stories lie in a two-volume set on my closet shelf, which is not accessible online. I’m by no means a brilliant writer, but I can try to doctor up this old story so it’s at least worth the read.
Courtney’s engaged, and I’m super mad about it. They started dating while she and I were still seeing each other, three months or so later, they get engaged, and I’m the last to know. Now, there are a lot of reasons for me to be angry, the least of which being the fact that she said I don’t care about anything but myself, and then implied that I am a rapist. I’m mad at her because after I devoted so much of myself to her, did everything in the world I could for her, she throws all that away, all my love, and find it so easy to meet a guy who is not as good as me, hop into his bed, and get hitched. She says she loves me, but everything she has done has said the opposite. She’s made it impossible for us to talk, or be friends, so I’m done. I don’t need her in my life, clearly she has no use for me, so I’ll lick my wounds, and move on with my life.
It’s really tempting to make a scene. Write mean letters, crash the reception, do something with those private pictures every couple has. I don’t have it in me, though. I don’t like being angry, and this is the angriest I’ve been in years. Basically, since Petra left a breaky-uppy message on my phone while I was slogging through the Green Mountains trying to accomplish the greatest thing in my life up to that point. Also, she was cheating on me. Again. Whatever.
So, she’s sleeping with her fiancé, who she’s known for 4 or 5 months now, which is fine, except she last shared my bed (saying how she wanted me to be her husband, how sometimes she already felt like my wife) days before they started dating. That seems a bit weird to me, especially considering the nature of our physical relationship, and everything around it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to sound like it was all about sex, because of course, it wasn’t. Frankly, I have very limited interest in sex. One of the things she and I had in common was a very grand interpretation of what sex meant to us. I’ve never felt that kind of connection to anyone the same summer as I have with someone else. I need time to recover, time to prepare, time to feel. She needs orgasms, apparently.
Clearly I’m bitter about it. Sorry. I think you can forgive me for now. I still think I’m better in about every way to her new guy. I’m sure I’m smarter, faster, funnier, more attractive, better in bed, more ambitious, more interesting… The one thing I’m not is Christian. He is, so he gets to marry her and spend their honeymoon on a nude island in Jamaica.
At the family Christmas, two people asked me about her. I’d been doing so well not thinking about her, and enjoying myself, and I couldn’t avoid it. Actually, in the room I’m staying in, There’s a picture of the two of us at the finish line of RTL. It’s rough. Oh well.
It couldn’t have come at a worse time, too. I’m struggling to get back into school, to make ends meet, get my life together, and I get hit with this, and it knocks me back off course. So, instead of filling out loan applications, job applications, and looking at grad schools, I was watching High Fidelity again, then He’s Just Not That Into You, then Love Actually, then Music & Lyrics…. I know, it’s bad. Fortunately, I’m getting it together. New Years is the perfect chance to move on and move up. Here is a preliminary list of my resolutions.
1. Stop thinking about this nonsense
2. Finish 3 stories; submit for publication
3. Finish 2 philosophy essays; submit for comferences
4. Put 500 miles on the new unicycle
That last one is going to be great fun. I’m doing the Trek Across Maine, 180 miles in 3 days. We’re also having our 3rd annual DeMilner / Team Unicycle Max adventure somewhere in the country, probably out west. Also, I’ll be even more motivated to ride with my brand new 2009 Nimbus 36” touring unicycle with a superwide ISIS hub, KH moment crank arms drilled at 125mm and 110mm and a cranberry finish on the frame and handlebars. I’m going to put a computer on it to really keep track of the mileage. I’m estimating The Captain has around 3000 miles on him at least. I want to know how far and how fast I can get with this baby.
Speaking of which, I need to name her. She’s definitely female. I thought about playing up on the rank thing, like this one could be Lieutenant something or other. One name that popped into my head was Queen Christina. She ruled Sweden and killed Rene Descartes. However, I’ve grown accustomed to calling Captain Pasquale simply The Captain, I’m not sure how I feel about calling her The Queen. In this case, I would call her by name, Christina, but I’ve known too many Christinas. It’s a lovely melodic name, though. The only other name I’ve come up with apart from the Queen motif is Ruby. I like the name, the frame is cranberry, it seems to fit.
Oh yeah, there was one more resolution I had.
5. Make love to my blog with greater frequency than ever.
Talk to you soon, kids.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
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