From 12-27-09 in a world without internets

So, blog, I think we got off on the wrong foot. I’ve neglected you, I’ll admit, but back when you and I were steadies (not you, per se, but this personal narrative intra-self-indulgent writing) I spent more time cataloguing my world than I did enjoying it. I’m 23 years old, and I have to live my life.

It tends to be the same thing that drives me back into your arms, and I say the same things every time. “Blah blah blah heartbreak. Some girl lied to me, and I don’t like it. I’m done with women. I quit.” However, most of these stories lie in a two-volume set on my closet shelf, which is not accessible online. I’m by no means a brilliant writer, but I can try to doctor up this old story so it’s at least worth the read.

Courtney’s engaged, and I’m super mad about it. They started dating while she and I were still seeing each other, three months or so later, they get engaged, and I’m the last to know. Now, there are a lot of reasons for me to be angry, the least of which being the fact that she said I don’t care about anything but myself, and then implied that I am a rapist. I’m mad at her because after I devoted so much of myself to her, did everything in the world I could for her, she throws all that away, all my love, and find it so easy to meet a guy who is not as good as me, hop into his bed, and get hitched. She says she loves me, but everything she has done has said the opposite. She’s made it impossible for us to talk, or be friends, so I’m done. I don’t need her in my life, clearly she has no use for me, so I’ll lick my wounds, and move on with my life.

It’s really tempting to make a scene. Write mean letters, crash the reception, do something with those private pictures every couple has. I don’t have it in me, though. I don’t like being angry, and this is the angriest I’ve been in years. Basically, since Petra left a breaky-uppy message on my phone while I was slogging through the Green Mountains trying to accomplish the greatest thing in my life up to that point. Also, she was cheating on me. Again. Whatever.

So, she’s sleeping with her fiancé, who she’s known for 4 or 5 months now, which is fine, except she last shared my bed (saying how she wanted me to be her husband, how sometimes she already felt like my wife) days before they started dating. That seems a bit weird to me, especially considering the nature of our physical relationship, and everything around it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to sound like it was all about sex, because of course, it wasn’t. Frankly, I have very limited interest in sex. One of the things she and I had in common was a very grand interpretation of what sex meant to us. I’ve never felt that kind of connection to anyone the same summer as I have with someone else. I need time to recover, time to prepare, time to feel. She needs orgasms, apparently.

Clearly I’m bitter about it. Sorry. I think you can forgive me for now. I still think I’m better in about every way to her new guy. I’m sure I’m smarter, faster, funnier, more attractive, better in bed, more ambitious, more interesting… The one thing I’m not is Christian. He is, so he gets to marry her and spend their honeymoon on a nude island in Jamaica.

At the family Christmas, two people asked me about her. I’d been doing so well not thinking about her, and enjoying myself, and I couldn’t avoid it. Actually, in the room I’m staying in, There’s a picture of the two of us at the finish line of RTL. It’s rough. Oh well.

It couldn’t have come at a worse time, too. I’m struggling to get back into school, to make ends meet, get my life together, and I get hit with this, and it knocks me back off course. So, instead of filling out loan applications, job applications, and looking at grad schools, I was watching High Fidelity again, then He’s Just Not That Into You, then Love Actually, then Music & Lyrics…. I know, it’s bad. Fortunately, I’m getting it together. New Years is the perfect chance to move on and move up. Here is a preliminary list of my resolutions.

1. Stop thinking about this nonsense
2. Finish 3 stories; submit for publication
3. Finish 2 philosophy essays; submit for comferences
4. Put 500 miles on the new unicycle

That last one is going to be great fun. I’m doing the Trek Across Maine, 180 miles in 3 days. We’re also having our 3^rd annual DeMilner / Team Unicycle Max adventure somewhere in the country, probably out west. Also, I’ll be even more motivated to ride with my brand new 2009 Nimbus 36” touring unicycle with a superwide ISIS hub, KH moment crank arms drilled at 125mm and 110mm and a cranberry finish on the frame and handlebars. I’m going to put a computer on it to really keep track of the mileage. I’m estimating The Captain has around 3000 miles on him at least. I want to know how far and how fast I can get with this baby.

Speaking of which, I need to name her. She’s definitely female. I thought about playing up on the rank thing, like this one could be Lieutenant something or other. One name that popped into my head was Queen Christina. She ruled Sweden and killed Rene Descartes. However, I’ve grown accustomed to calling Captain Pasquale simply The Captain, I’m not sure how I feel about calling her The Queen. In this case, I would call her by name, Christina, but I’ve known too many Christinas. It’s a lovely melodic name, though. The only other name I’ve come up with apart from the Queen motif is Ruby. I like the name, the frame is cranberry, it seems to fit.

Oh yeah, there was one more resolution I had.

5. Make love to my blog with greater frequency than ever.

Talk to you soon, kids.

Oldie but a goodie

I turn 23 in about two hours, and I want to get one more post in while I'm still young.

My dreams have been out of control lately. I kind of which I had musical talent so I could write rap songs about them. Seriously, every one from the past week, I've woken up with one eyebrow raised skeptically.

First off, I had a dream my good friend Brandon moved in with me. It was great, I love the man! Then, one day, I came home from work and found him in the hallway, having sex with Feldman, a fellow I barely know, but seems like a nice enough fellow.

Then, I dreamt that Cambodian Chad, a friend I haven't seen since we performed "The Award Show," had beed sentenced to death. So, as we were walking into Hannaford together, where his sentence was to be carried out, he handed me a video. "Promise me you'll get this out to the people" he said in ernest. I promised. He was hanged in the freezer section, after which, they showed the video he gave me. It was a dating video.

"Chad is an active, athletic artist looking for someone special. He loves to dance, and spend some time out on the town, but can have a great time curled up on the couch watching movies, too. If you're interested in Chad, please call...."

There was another, that had to do with bugs, and hookers, and Rite Aid being a pirate ship. I don't know. I watch too many movies when I go to bed.

Uni, unicyclin'...

Like I said, it's been raining all June, save for two nice days. On the first, Wednesday two weeks ago, I planned a nice long unicycle ride to sort of stretch my legs, an dget them ready for this summer. I didn't do the Whiteface race this year, though I'm still itching to redeem myself. No, I need to get in shape for a leisurly ride with my dad and brother in August. It looks like we'll be riding Skyline Drive through Blue Ridge National Park. It's 105 miles through some great natural scenery. Also, the speed limit is a modest 35 mph, so hopefully the motorists will give us a break. It is in the area with the densest population of black bear in the country, so... there's that. This is according to Kyle, at least; I couldn't find a source on it. But still, that national park is bear country, and we're going to be camping in it. Also, we'll be sweaty and stinky and probably pretty tasty. I'm just saying, is all...

So, I was going for a ride. I'd planned about 20 miles to do, becaue I didn't know when I'd get another chance. I was going to hop on the rail trail, and relax.

And on my way to the rail trail, I got hit by a car. I'm fine, obviously, but it just ruined my day. I was on the sidewalk, going through an intersection, and a car made a right turn into me. I usderstand that sometimes people aren't paying attention, and... it happens. Okay. No one was hurt, nothing was damaged, but an apology would be nice. Nope, he decided to try and blame it on me, because he had a green light. "You hit a pedestrian on a sidewalk, what are you thinking?"

For the record, motorists are required to yield to pedestrians without exception. Bicycles are prohibited from riding on sidewalks. Unicycles sort of fall into a grey area; in some places it's considered a bike, in others, a skateboard, and sometimes sort of like a wheelchair. The attitude among drivers in Farmington (and most other places in the US) is sort of like a bully. "My vehicle could beat up your vehicle, so make way." That's exactly why I was enroute to the rail trail, where cars are forbidden.

man, I wish there were more places like that. Okay, motorists, you've just made the list!

THE LIST

Connecticut
Family Guy
Carlos Mencia
Rite Aid
The Wealthy
Ann Coulter
My neighbors
Ron Paul
Alarm Clocks
Motorists

Okay, now that I've worked myself up about it, I need some food. Check back, because eventually this blog will have readers, and you don't want to be left behind when I hit it big! Cheers.

Fresh Air!

I'm tryingto catch up on my blog, so, bear with me...

I’ve recently moved, and am now in a one-room efficiency on the 3rd-and-a-half floor (or is that three-and-a-halfth?) of 166 High St. Despite the drawbacks that have developed over the past couple weeks, I’m enjoying it. I’m cooking more, I’m showering more frequently, my teeth are whiter, I’m showing up early for work, I’m stronger, I’m reading more, and with this blog entry, I am accomplishing one of my many summer writing projects.
 What could have happened? Why am I suddenly investing so much in my body and mind? Well, because Farmington is a lonely, isolated place in the summertime, as I suspect it will be over the next year. Almost all my friends graduated, Courtney left me, and now I live alone. I’ve already tested the limits of my welcome with Matt and Kayne, and somehow caused a horrible rift between Renee and her roommate, so I feel compelled to hermit myself lest I do more damage.
 Okay, that’s a little dramatic. But my life had dramatically changed in a short time. The Courtney thing has been playing tricks with my mind. Courtney hasn’t been playing tricks, mind you. Just… I’ve never been in this sort of situation before, and I don’t know how to handle it. We respected each other, we did what we could to make each other happy, we talked to each other, we didn’t cheat on each other, we didn’t play mind games, we had a truly rare relationship. And yet we broke up. It stings a bit. I’m not the bitter gargoyle I thought I would be, or was when my relationship with Petra ended. How am I supposed to react to a break up when neither of the two parties really have any interest in being broken up?
 It’s been a struggle to find people with whom to talk about it (see the remarks above about pushing the limits of a couple friends of mine), so basically, I’m stumped. I don’t know what to do. I want to struggle against it, but for what purpose? Reconciliation is not an option. If staying together were an option, we wouldn’t have broken up.
 So, I guess it is what it is, and we have to live with it. The only trouble is there are very few things that I accept that I need to live with. Everything else, I’ll strive to remedy. I don’t like having to live with things.
 Typically, I use writing as a means of organizing my thoughts to draw them to their honest and necessary climax. It seems that, for now at least, I’m unable to flesh out my thoughts on Courtney. Perhaps another time.
 So hey! How about hockey!
 Red Wings lost in game seven by one goal. Kronwal’s 3rd period shot off the crossbar was heartbreaking, but we lost. That’s okay. There’s a reason it’s so rare that a team wins back to back championships- It’s really, really hard. Just to make it to the finals two years in a row is practically unheard of. That really speaks to the strength of the Penguins and the Redwings these years. The Wings were pretty badly injured, and in the midst of uncharacteristic scoring droughts from most of their big guns. It’s probably better for the NHL that the Pens won anyway.
 Here’s why I’m optimistic. The Wings are stacked for next year. Not only do we have Lidstrom, Datsyuk, Zetterberg, and Franzen signed for life, but some youngsters that proved to be valuable weapons on both offense and defense. So I say to all you Penguins fans out there: Same time next year?

 I’ve been reading The Seducer’s Diary, by Kierkegaard lately, and it is wonderful. It’s a slightly fictionalized story of his love affair with a woman named Regine Olsen. Love has never been so finely crafted with paper and ink, and heartbreak explosive and fierce. Kierkegaard never recovered from their break up, and it isn’t possible to fully understand his philosophy without understanding her role in his life. This needs to be made into a movie.

So, all this is old news. I haven't been able to post, because I only get reliable internets on my balcony (fire escape), and I can only bring the laptop out there when it's not raining, which is has been for the past 26 days.

So, more to come, check back often.